Do You Hate Me...Or Love Me...

Dream!!!!

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 16:14:35 GMT

Yeah so things are going ok for me! On sunday morning or saturday night when I was sleeping I had the most weirdest dream... I dreamt that I was at Adam's house... Why?? I DO NOT KNOW!!!! But I was there and his parents just allowed me to come in and I was in the den.... And for some reason I was using the washer and dryer... And then I heard Adam's voice out in the living room and I go out trying not be heard and then I saw him and I saw some girl with him... So I run back to the den and I lock it... Before I knew it the girl was in the den with me and Adam just broke in the den doors... He looked good... He looked clean and healthy.... He just grabbed me and hugged me and I just hugged him and then I went out and appolagized to hisw parents for some reason and then we eneded up at some dinner and we just started dating again..... I was happy... Waering a mile high smile.... Like I use to wear on my face because of him... It was such a weird dream though.... But the only thing I can think of why I had that dream is because me and justin werent in a good state... We were kind arguing.... So that is why I think I dreamt about Adam.... It was totally weird dream.... But I enjoyed it.... hehe.... I just kept thinking about the dream all day yesterday... I told Lesey and Tiffany about my dream... I dont know what to think about it.... But I will figure out some day maybe!!!!! Until then it will be a mystery......

unfinished entry....

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 16:13:27 GMT

Why do I keep making myself think about him???? Why do I break down crying when I look at his picture???? Why do I care so much about him??? Why do I miss him so much??? Why??? Why???? WHY???????? Grrr I hate myself... I have someone wonderful and all I can think about is this guy who treated me like shit..... Why do I still love him??? Why do I still want him???? Why do I cry when I see his face???? Why do I get all depressed when his name comes up??? Or when I see him??? Or when I past a place where we hung out at all the time???? Why do I wanna cry when we here our old song??? Why do I wanna cry when I hear his favorite bands on the radio??? Why do I make such a big deal over him???? God I think I still love him.... Why am I such a freakin baby??? Why do I have to be like this???? Why cant I just forget him???? He has my heart... He has my soul.... He has all of me.... Why does it have to hurt???? Why do I have to keep going on about him??? why??? Please tell me why I do what I do???? Someone Please help me with this pain...... Please help me over come him... Please help me get my heart back... Please help me get my soul back..... PLEASE HELP ME GET OVER THE MAN WHO STOLE MY HEART!!!!!!

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 00:28:04 GMT

California has bveen beautiful... I got burnt yeasterday.. Today i didnt... We were in the car most of the day... Just like its going to be tomorrow too... Im not looking forward to the drive tomorrow.... 15 to 16 hour drive... But it will be nice to getting back home... My mom is getting a lil annoying to me but oh well most parents doo..... But she kept asking me stupid questions... and being stupid.. but whatever... This trip has been nice.. It was really nice to see my brother...

Yesterday we cruzed the streets of Ventura... Today we drove through Malibu... It was nothing what I expected it to be... But yeah...

I cant wait to get back home to my lover... I miss him so much.... He is so wonderful... I love him so much... I cant get enough of him.. He feels the same way..... He is the best thing that has happened to me.... He treats me so good.... I love more then anything on this earth... I cant wait to get back to him....

Talk to you all soon and see you all soon... Bye Bye

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 19:29:22 GMT

im in cali...its so nice here... see u all soon... ill be back on saturday night some time..

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 04:53:38 GMT

ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS MY CAR IS A HUNK A JUNK.... AND I HATE IT.... IMMA BE GETTING A NEW ONE SOON... YAY!!!! IMMA BE GOING TO CALI SOON TOOO... YAY!!! BUT YEAH.... I GOTTA GO... I FARTED.... HEHE... LOL....

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 21:53:28 GMT

Well things have been going wonderful for me... Justin is so amazing.... WE had a wonderful night last night... He was sayin all this sweet stuff... He just melted my heart down to liquid..... It was so wonderful.... He is so amazing... Sorry I cant get over it.... Over how wonderful he is...

Last tuesday the 7 I was at work and I was opening a box and I cut my wrist with a box cutting knife... The cut is about an inch long... I got to ride in an ambulance.. They took me to Emnual in Portland... I got 5 stitches and yeah.... I get them taken out today... I came so close to hitting my major blood vein.... I was so lucky.... I scared the living shit out of Justin and Melissa.... Justin had to write the report about me do to the fact he was working that day and he is security at work..... But yeah I have learned my lesson with the box cutting knife....

Well I got to go... I need to look something up for tomorrow... SO I will talk to you all later.... Bye bye

Blah......

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 23:04:09 GMT

This is one song that I love so much... I have a slight idea.. I think it might have something to do with a past love.... But it just means so much to me... this song... So much meaning to it... But I have let ago... I have let ago a long time ago.. But I guess its just really hard cause I would have done anything and I pretty much did in a way... I would have done anything to keep him but I just let go of him.. And moved on.... Sure I miss him alot but I was done with all of his bullshit... I was through with it.... I think about him from time to time..... I feel so bad to think about him... I have a new boyfriend who is wonderful... And treats me good.... But im done and over him.... I hope he is happy with whatever he decides to do with his ife.... I hope the best for him.... So here is th song that I love. hope you all enjoy it...

Nickleback

"Far Away"

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there’s just one left
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

On my knees, I’ll ask
Last chance for one last dance
‘Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all
I’d give for us
Give anything but I won’t give up
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
‘Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving
Hold on to me and
never let me go

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 05:10:36 GMT

OH yeah I forgot.... I STILL HAVENT SMOKED SINCE THAT ONE TUSEDAY!!!!! Im very happy for me.... Who else is happy for me???? I know Justin is.... ANd my mom..... Megan.... Sherry... Melissa.... My dad... my sister.... tasha... A lot of people.... They are all happy for me..... Who else is???? Just let me know.....

Happy For Now!!!!

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 03:01:15 GMT

WOW!!!! Valentine's day was so wonderful except for the part where I had to work.... Well.... I went to Justin's house at about 5:15 and when I went into his room he had my white teddy bear, my dozen red roses, my coupon book, and my card sitting on the corner of his bed... When I walked in I got a big smile on my face.... I got him a red doggy, another dog with a picture frame on in with a pic of me and him on new years, choclate rose, a card and a coupon book as well.... But it was so wonderful... Then we went out to dinner with my mom and the boys and melissa.... I got water spilled on me from Daymian..... But other then that dinner was fine..... Then me and him took Melissa home so she could things and then me and him went to his house and watched tv and then went to bed.... Its so nice.... I love staying over there with him... Last night when I was sleeping I woke up and expected to see him and there was my wall....

Things are going good for me right now... I couldnt ask for it to be different well there would be only one thing... Me not living at home..... But oh well..... Life is wonderful.....

Well I am gonna go for now... Talk to you all later... BYE BYE

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 06:24:05 GMT

well things have been going good for me.... I have quit smoking..... Its been almost two weeks for me.... The 14 will be 2 weeks for me... I feel good.... I never thought that I would be able to... But I did... Justin helped me in a way.... When I am around him I dont feel like smoking.... But I feel good.... I have also been working out too..... Ive gone three days so far... That makes me feel wonrderful also.... Today is 1 month since me and Justin have been going out..... Yesterday was a good day.... He said those words to me.... I said them back... He meant them too.... I am just so happy to be with him and have him in my life..... Life is going good for me right now... I love it... I love him..... HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE But my life is going fine for me.... I could not ask for anything else in it right now.... My life is peachy.... Im happy... Well I could be a lil bit happier if I moved out..... But yeah... I will sooner or later... I wanna move out with Justin... Go move in with him after he moves out.... I might... He probably wouldnt care if I did..... He says that I help him sleep at night.... And I think he helps me too... Cause I was at home sleeping and I kept waking up and I would look to see him and he wasnt there..... It was weird.... I was use to him being there but I was at home and not at his house.... It was weird...But I love staying the night with him.... Its so wonderful..... He is so wonderful..... But anyways..... I am going to go now... My life is good.... Its going good for now... IM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!! hehehehehe

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 21:05:57 GMT

Well things have been going good for me.... Me and Justin are just dandy..... I stayed the night at his house the night and we hung ut the next day all day long... It was so nice...... He is the coolest.... hehe.... I have to work tonight.... I dont wanna....... Im opening tuesdays now...... I have thursdays too..... So I get 8 more hours a week which is cool.... Tonight me Lesey, Zac, and Justin are hanging out.. It'll be fun.... We gonna go play pool... itll be fun.... He is so cute.... I like him so much..... but yeah...... we doing good though.... So yeah...... My mom, my sister, Melissa and I are all signed up for the YMCA.... Me gonna be working out and getting buff and skinny..... Me excited about that.... So yeah..... talk to you all later.... Bye bye

Happy!!!

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 21:08:16 GMT

Things have been going great for me and Justin.... Monday night well early tuseday morning we were hanging out and we both made a move and now we are going out.... We are taking things really slowly... Its nice.... Im happy....... I dyed my hair again today.... I said I wasnt going to but I did it anyways.... But oh well.... I dyed it black again of course..... But yeah.... Dont know what else to say.... Just that things are going good for me..... Well I am going to go for now... talk to you all later.... Bye

Bored.......

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 19:55:23 GMT

These are my two favorite songs right now.... Slipknot "Vermillion Pt2" and "Before I forget"

"Vermillion, Pt. 2"

She seemed dressed in all of me, stretched across my shame.
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through and covered me
I'd do anything to have her to myself
Just to have her for myself
Now I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.

She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable, Shes a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.

But I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

A catch in my throat choke
Torn into pieces
I won't, nO!
I don't wanna be this...

But I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

She isn't real
I can't make her real
She isn't real
I can't make her real

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"Before I Forget"

Go!

Stapled shut, inside and ouside would and I'm
Sealed in tight, bizarre but right at home
Claustrophobic, closing in and I'm
Catostrophic, not again
I'm smeared across the page, and doused in gasoline
I wear you like a stain, yet I'm the one who's obscene
Catch me up on all your sordid little insurrections,
I've got no time to lose, and I'm just caught up in all the cattle

Fray the strings
Throw the sheathes
Hold your breath
And listen!

I am a world before I am a man
I was a creature before I could stand
I will remember before I forget
BEFORE I FORGET THAT!

I'm ripped across the ditch, and settled in the dirt and I'm
I wear you like a stitch, yet I'm the one who's hurt
Pay attention to your twisted little indiscrestions
I've got no right to way, I'm just caught up all the battles

Locked in clutch
Pushed in place
Hold your breath
And listen!

I am a world before I am a man
I was a creature before I could stand
I will remember before I forget
BEFORE I FORGET THAT!

I am a world before I am a man
I was a creature before I could stand
I will remember before I forget
BEFORE I FORGET THAT!

My end
It justifies my means
All I ever do is delay
My every attempt to evade
The end of the road is my end
It justifies my means
All I ever do is delay
My every attempt to evade
THE END OF THE ROAD!

I am a world before I am a man
I was a creature before I could stand
I will remember before I forget
BEFORE I FORGET THAT!

I am a world before I am a man
I was a creature before I could stand
I will remember before I forget
BEFORE I FORGET THAT!

I am a world before I am a man
I was a creature before I could stand
I will remember before I forget
BEFORE I FORGET THAT!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, OH!

Bored.......

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 19:45:02 GMT

well the last three nights have been great.... Friday I went and played pool with Angela and justin and his 8 year old sister and then lesey and zac met up with us.... After pool me and Angela went to taco bell and then I called justin up and asked if he wanted to watch a movie... So me and angela went and watched a movie at his place.. We watced 40 year old virgin... Its a great movie...... Then on Saturday I worked 4 to close and justin was there so I talked to him and then I asked if he wanted to hang out... Of course he said yes.... YAY!!! hehe.... He came over to my house we watced the devils rejects.... Thats a cool movie but gross at the same time... Lesey and zac came over and watced it sence it was their movie.... Sunday night I called justin and I asked him if he watned to watch a movie so he came over and we watched batman begins.. It was a cool movie... I liked it.... SO Tonight Im hoping on going to his house to watch another movie but Im not sure.... But Yeah..... He is really cool.... And on Saturday night when we were standing outside my house he was these guys drive up from the end of my street and then park by lousies house and then get out of the car and then went to different houses looking at the cars.... One guy came back to the car and the other one was still up in the cicrle road (I dont know how to spell it so I said that) We heard a lady yell hey so by then I had my phone ready and the guy comes running back to the car and takes off... Whats funny is that he turned left onto 54th street and thats a dead end.... It was funny..... so I called 911 and told them what happened and I gave them the lisecnce plate..... I know I spelt that wrong but I dont care...... So then later on two cop cars come and go to Mary' old house and start knocking on the door..... And it was interesting...... then last night justin tells me that when he got home he stood by his door and there was someone out there looking at the cares and he yelled what are you doing.. The guy ran off and then Justin called the police they came and he told them what hapened by my house.... So it was an eventful night..... So yeah... I dont know what else to say... So I am going to talk to you all later.... byebye

Happy once again.... From a NEW GUY!!!!!

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 21:53:22 GMT

Havent updated in awhile.... Been working.... and been doing stuff..... Well New Years was awesome... I invited Justin to come and hang out... We both totally got drunk and we were hanging all over each other.... Kept making out... I was holding him up and he was holding me up.... He is so AWESOME!!!! I like him so much... As we were going to sleep we were cuddling all night long which is so nice.... He was holding onto me and now letting go...... We could not sleep at all.... We slept off and on.... But it was great.... He dosent rememeber much but oh well..... But so far he is a good guy.... He's been through a lot.... Been all over the stinken world..... I showed my mom and my sister pictures of him and they think he is so much cuter then my last bf...... Which he is.... We hung out again on Tuesdat night we went and played pool.... It was fun.... ALex called and asked if I could get him beer and so we went and did that.... and I told Alex about him and thats the guy I wanted to get to know and stuff.... Then on Wednesday he called me to see how things went after he left... Which was weird.... but cool at the same time.... But after we got alex beer we went back to the pool place and talked in his car until like 10...... My sister and Melissa came and tried to embarase me.. (Not sure how to spell that but I dont care) Which didnt work..... Then my brother left for Cali that night too.... He came to say bye to me and justin met him for the second time.... AS my brother was getting into his car he said treat my sister good... I was thinking omg...... and I got a lil smile on my face..... But my brother doesnt want to see me get hurt again...... I dont want to get hurt either.... BUt Tuesday night was fun.... Yesterday Justin came up and talked to me at work..... hehehe.... I am such a retard....... Oh and I had gotten a bouncy ball and I started bouncing it with him.... it was funny... I bounced it to amy and she missed it and it went into Radioshack and Justin went and got it for me..... It was funny.... And then last night I called him and we talked for about 2 hours.... It was funny..... I know I keep saying it was funny.... But we are going to go and see Underworld when it comes to thearters on the 20th....... Im not sure if we are going to go that day or the 21 but we are going to go.... He is also suppose to let me borrow his south park movies.... He seemed disappoinnted when I said I hadnt seen them so I said you should let me borrow it then he said ok I will...... so yeah..... I borrowed his slipknot cd... I have been listeing to that alot....... Its cool I like it... And I like him a lot too.... But I am not sure if he likes me or not... But it seems like he might..... Oh oh and we are gonna go to the beach soon too..... hehehehehehehehe..... That will be fun.......

Well I got to go.... Talk to you all later.......

Fri, 30 Dec 2005 10:23:38 GMT

well things have been great for me... I finally gave justin my number oh monday and he called me that night and we talked for about an hour... I was so nervous I kept figeting with things..... I was being such a dork it was great.... and then tuesday I gave him my house number if he was going to call me... then wednesday I called him to see if he wanted to hang out but he wasnt home and then this morning at work he walked by and then stopped and talked to me.... He cought me off guard.... He said sorry he didnt call me he had an accident.... some stupid guy shot off a gun towards the ground and it rickashade (Dont know if I spelt that right)and hit him in the head... we talked for a few and then he walked off and then he was walking by and i gave him a smile and he gave me one back... he is so cute....... hehe.... I called him tonight and we talked for about 2 hours.... It was nice.... he makes me happy.... well he makes me happy... i get all gitty around him..... WHY???? I dont know... he just does.... he kind of do dorky things.... I told him I was sitting in a chair and spinning and he says he does that all the time..... its funny...... hes funnny..... Im funny too...... i had him laughing almost the whole time we were on the phone.... there was a break here and there so that he and I can breath.... but yeah... i get to see him tomorrow at work..... And I am going to talk to him again tomorrow.... Im gonna call him Yankee...... Its this thing I said to him tonight and I am going to keep work on it... its going to be funny..... But I had lesey talk to him whilr I tried to put her ball into her hoop eye brow ring..... and then kyle talked to him and he asked him if he likes me... he said he just met me and he does not have his answer yet... something like that... but yeah... maybe he and I will work out... I dont know... It would be nice.... he has his head on right.... he is older and mature.... but i dont know how he feels about being in a relationship or anything like that.... but I am going to ask him if he would want to do something tomorrow..... but yeah....... Im really excited about him.... When I first saw him I thought he was cute... The next few times I saw him i thought he was cutie... now when I look at him he a total hottie!!!! hehehehehehe..... I get so hyper whenever I see him walk past work..... I think he will make me happy if we do work out.... but i dont know... we will wait and see.... hehe....

Lisa had her baby tonight..... Emma Lynn is 7pounds 8 onces and 20 inches long... she was born between 9:30 and 10..... I havent gotten to see her yet cause i left before she had the c section.... so yeah... lisa was so tired.... It kind of wanted to make me cry when I saw her tonight.... there are two times i have not seen her.... i have not seen her so happy when jimmy was here... i have never seen her in so much pain... i felt really bad......... but i am going to go and see the baby tomorrow..... so yeah.. im really excited... im an auntie again.... hehehe.....

my life has been going great the last few days... Justin makes me smile.... just seeing him makes me smile..... Talking to him makes me giddy.... hehe.... but yeah... Im on my bro's lap top and its kind of weird... Im not use to it at all.....

well I am going to go.... I gotta get to bed so I can dream of a real man..... real man who will treat me right.... hehe.. more then someone was.....hahaha.... LOSER!!!!!!!!!! hehe.... but yeah... justin is oh so cute.... he has 8 tattoos... he was in the military for 4 years.... he use to live in New york... He acutally lived all over the place.... he's been to italy... which is cool... he has done a lot of things in his life so far and he is only 23...... he will be 24 on March 18...... I think thats what he said... I will find out for sure.... he lives over by me well by the mall.... he has two twin brothers I think they live in new york with his dad and he has and 8 year old sister who lives with him and his mom.... his parents seperated when he was 11..... so we something in common even though my parents seperated three years ago on the 28 of this month..... so yeah... thought you'd guys like to know a lil somethin somethin about me new honey.... hehehe... he not my honey yet..... but anyways.... I am going to go to bed now... my tummy starting to hurt... talk to you all later.....

Merry Christmas!!!

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 01:32:30 GMT

So today is christmas.. YAY!!! Boo..... It sucks balls.... I did get cool new printer which is awesome.... But I am lonely..... Adam is pissing me off.... He cant even fucking answer his god damn mother fuckin phone.... Sorry.... But it pisses me offf..... Gosh its fucking Christmas and he cant even fucking answer his phone... ANd I know he wasnt at home cause I saw him driving when I was out and about driving....... but whatever....

I cant wait till work tomorrow..... Hopefully Justin is working so I can talk to him and give him my munber and we can get to know each other..... That will be kick ass..... I cant wait...... He is oh so cute..... hehehehehe....... He kept on lookinh at me the other day.... Lesey thinks it cause he knows that I like Him but whatever..... I dont know if he knows or not but oh well.... I am going to go up and talk to him tomorrow.... I am going to do it... I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am...... hehehehhehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehehehe......... GOSH HE IS SO CUTE..... I MISS HIM!!!! hehehehehehe.... Immma talk to him tomorrow.... See watch and find out...

Talk to you later bye bye....

Tiffy read this please!!!!!! Part of its for you.....

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 21:27:46 GMT

I've been thinking lately about things.... I was reading through Tiffany's comments that her and Tabehta left.... It takes me back to when we were in high school and we use to say all the time that we wished we were out of school so that we can be hanging out all the time... And now that since we are out of high school we havent hung out as much as we wanted to back then.... It makes me sad cause I have left out some of my good friends..... And I totally have ditched them..... I feel bad... Usually I dont make plans and things just happens....The only person that I really try to make plans with is Adam.... But that really never works out cause he is butt and rather hang out with other people then me.... I figured now that me adam arent together maybe this should be my chance to try and work on my friendships with all my friends.... But that really hasnt happened.... I did hang out with Christina and Darren and Jessica (their baby).... I hung out with them on Saturday..... Their baby is so cute... She was born on October 13....... She is so cute.... But I was happy to hang out with them..... I hadnt hung out with them for a long long time..... I missed them..... But I really truly thought that now I can work on my friendship with the ones that were once close to me and now we have drifted away from each other... There are three friends that I have neglected.... Tiffy, Tabetha, and Melissa.... I worked on one already.... Im getting there guys....

Tiffany..... I truly love you Tiffany.... I truly miss you.... I know I havent been a good friend to you.... And I am very sorry.... I dont pick sides Its just I dont know why I always go with Lesey.... I dont know why... But You are right I always end up with her but I always say I am sorry.... and we work on it but then I am the dumb ass and bes stupid... And I am sorry I have neglected our friendship... I am going to try harder this time and I am going to be there for you.... I want to be.... I am getting tears In my eyes... and I dont know why.... Well its probably becausse I am dumb and I forgot about someone who is important to me and I let them down big time... I am so so so so sorry Tiffy!!! I am going to be there for you from now on.... I work tonight (wednesday 14) and then I work the next 9 days.... Fun shit huh????? But tomorrow I work 8:30 to like 3.... So maybe if you wanna hang out or something.... I will calll you later to night and then we can talk and see if you would wanna hang out tomorrow... But I will call you tonight... I get off at about 9:30... I am thinking of maybe going to your work today before I go to work... So yeah.....

But I figured that once when I was out og high school I would hang out with all my friends all at the same time and we would all be really good friends still but that bit me in my ass........ We have changed but our friendship should have stayed the same but yet at the same time it should have gotten stronger..... I know I say that I am going to do something and works out for a few days and then I am back the same but this time its not going to happen... I wanna be there for Tiffany and I want her to be there for me.... I have been foolish and selfish.... I shoud not have allowed mine and Tiffy's friendship go sour.... She has been half my stone the past 5 going onto 6 years now... I threw it all away for what???? Nothing..... And I am going to change.... I am.... I want to.... I dont want to neglected any of my friends ever again... I will have to work something out with all my friends cause two of my friends dont get along which is sad cause we three use to be so close and together all the time and now things have changed and they let something between them which we hoped never would.... It has happened before but I never thought it would come down to this..... But I am going to try my hardest to be friends with everyone... I will have to work on things..... I am going to.... If I start to not do what I say slap me on my face and be like Jana your not doing what you are going to do... Your slipping....... So please slap me..... lol........... I just gave you all my permission to slap me.....

Ive been taking my birth control since this past sunday which was the 11... Im on birth control so I dont have a lil jana or adam on the way..... so yeah.... Wanted to add that to.... I'm starting to turn around guys.... I am... I wanna be there for all of you.... I am going to be GOD!!!! hehehehe..... Yeah I am far from god... But I am there for all ya all........

Ok well I am going to go now... I will talk to you all later.. Bye bye all.... Have a good day night whatever you wanna calll it.............. I love you Tiffy!!!! I love you Lesey!!!! I love you Tabetha!!!! I love you Adam!!!! I love you Melissa!!!! I love you Chris!!!! I love all you other friends of mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLAH........

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 06:08:20 GMT

Yesterday sucked major ass.... I had to open work... And at about 10 my stomach started hurting... Later on it started to hurt worse.... Yeah I got cramps really bad... I started too... SO on Sunday I have to start my birth control.... And also I have to stop smoking.... Which will be kind of hard but kind of easy at the same time.... I need to stop.. Smoking is bad..... BUt yeah..... Toady has been ok.... I had to work tonight... It was fine... Me and Tonya got out early.... I saw the cute guy there at the mall once again.. He is so cute... ANd I am such a chicken shit to talk to him..... Lesey told me I should make something up to talk to him but Im not good at that.... So I will just sit back and look at him when he walks past my work.... And give a smile if he is looking... But hopefully maybe he will come talk to me but I dont know... But yeah he looks like he is about me age..... He looks like he is about 19 or 20... But he is a cutie.... hehehe..... I am such a chicken shit..... I wish I had more guts to talk to him.... But I dont..... I probably wont.... I am to shy... Can you believe that??? Me Jana Banana is shy to talk to a guy... A FREAKIN GUY!!! Geezz Im a sad one.... LOL................. But yeah... Maybe I will have someone to help me talk to him... Any givers????? TIFFY????? LESEY???? TABETHA????????? MELISSA?????? ANY ONE????? COME ON........ You know you guys want to........... hehehe... Im a drok.... I am trying my best to move on but I still love him...... But I am trying to more on.... See up there ^^^^^^^^^^^ I am trying...... I have my eye on someone.... But i am to chicken shit to talk to him...... I was all excited in a good mood when I got to work tonight.... WHY???? I dont know.... And its not cause I saw the cute security guy but I was feeling better then I did yesterday.... Which is a plus.... But yeah.....

Well I got to go... Lesey sister wants the freakin computer... So I will talk to you all later....... BYE BYE

Other two Fav songs.........

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 01:37:43 GMT

Here are two more songs that I like at the moment.....

Kenny Chesney
"Who You'd Be Today"

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day
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I love this song too.................

Trace Adkins
"My Heaven"

Everybody has their own idea of heaven
What kind of paradise they'll see
Pearly gates, streets of gold
No getting sick, or growin old
Sounds like a beautiful place to be
But as for me

My heaven is a wood frame house with a great big porch goin all the way around
Sittin on the swing listenin to the sound of the birds singin
My heaven is a warm summer day in the back yard
While the kids all play, flies and mosquitos stay away
While we're eattin watermelon
That's my heaven

You're always gonna find a few non-believers
Those who stay lost in the dark
But I believe there is a place
Full of light 'n love and grace
And I don't believe that its all that far in my heart

My heaven is a cell phone ring while I'm at work
And the only thing that you have to say
Is you miss me and get home in a hurry
My heaven is the very worst day that I spent with you
When you were so mad but I still knew
Nobody would leave cause that don't happen
In my heaven

My heaven is where I am now on the front porch of the wood frame house
Swingin with you just lookin around at all I've been given and this life I'm livin
Is my heaven
My heaven, My heaven

FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT!!!

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 01:27:49 GMT

Here is one my favorite Songs right now.... I love it so much.... Its a good damn song.......

Carrie Underwood
"Jesus Take The Wheel"

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It's been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 01:18:39 GMT

well today i started reading this book that Tiffy bought for me last Christmas.... Its called he just not that into you...... And Its pretty good so far..... Its telling me a lot.... Its telling me that Adam is just not that into me.... Which kind of hurts but its true.... If he says he is goin to call there should be no excuse he shouldnt.... And if he says that he is to busy its bullshit.... He should take a moment out of his busy day to call the one he likes.... In the book it says If you dont believe greg 100% of men plled said they've never been to busy to call a women they were into. As one FIne man said, "A man has got to have his priorities." So whenever Adam said he call or say he'll call at this time and he never did... He just didnt want to... He is just giving me something that he thinks that I wanna hear... But whatever.... This book is helping me realize alot of things about Adam.... In the end it says "HE JUST NOT THAT INTO ME!!!!!!!!!" But yeah...... I should have read the book when Tiffy first gave it to me.... Like the book said if he not calling when he says he is going to hes just not that into you is right... Cause he said he'd call me at about 5 or 5:05 and now its 5:10... What an ass hole... Alll he fucking wants in his life is pot, Chris, Corynn.... I understand the Chris part... I know Chris will be there for him until the end (If nothing happens to their friendship).... But the whole pot thing... I just dont understand.... Does he not care about his future???? Does he want that to be his life???? Does he not want anything better then that???? Better then what he has now???? He lost so many things.... He lost me... He lost Lesey... He lost Melissa..... He lost some good friends that would and still be there for him till the end of all times..... But he is choosing weed over all of them.... That is so patheic and sad..... When I was with Adam I wanted what was best for him cause I cared a fuck ton for his ass.... And look how he repays me for it.... He lies to me.... He makes me lose my trust for him.... He leads me on and then drops me so fast..... He hurts me.... He broke my heart into millions of peices...... Hes done so much damage.... I dont think I can trust a guy as much as I did adam... And how many times I gave my trust back to him..... Gosh I am so stupid..... I have learned a lot from mine and Adam's relationship..... But Yeah.... I still love adam with all i have..... But things will fall into place or not... Only time will tell..... Until then I am screwed BIG TIME.....

Its So Hard....

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 01:29:06 GMT

Its so hard to say I love you
and not draw back in tears,
Its so hard to know that your
not there to help me fall me fears
Its so hard to know the phones at
reach but I cant hear your voice
ITs so hard to know that this time
breaking up was not my choice
Its so hard to see you laughing
when I'm crying deep inside
It so hard to live without you
when I want you more then words
I want to scream I love you
but hold back an not to be heard
Its so hard to get to sleep
at night when I cant dream of you
Its so hard to think you might
fall in love with someone new
Its so hard not to cry when
I hear your favorite song
Its so hard to sit and wonder
where did I go wrong
Its so hard to live without you
If I would have known
I will never love another
I'd rather be alone.................

This is how I feel right now..... This is for Adam...... I am writing to him in a letter with other things.... But yeah...

I still love Adam with all I have... I dont know when I will get over him... Im not sure if I want to get over him right now.... Cause my love for him is so strong still..... I love him so much..........

....................

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 06:22:00 GMT

Well last night I found Adam lying to me once again.... So I broke it all off with him... We are no longer a thing... Its really hard so far... I am really hurt... We were on a break and he still had to lie to me..... What a stupid idiot...... I love him with all my heart... Now I have to let go... I have to get over him.... Have to get over my heart ache... I need to.... I just cant believe it had to end like this.... Us ending like this.. Its sad really..... Really really sad..... He made me so happy.... And now he makes me cry 24/7..... I just cant believe him... Yes we were on a break but still... We were going to work on our relaiontship. And have things better for us and now there is no chance in hell that that will happen at the moment... but maybe there is a chance for further down the road... Maybe in like a year or two..... But I dont know.... I really dont know at this point......

Kyle has been talking to me a lot more... I told him about me and adam and now he talks to me a lot.... He wants me to call him and have sex with him and all that stuff... But I cant.... I am just getting out of a relationship with a guy who I love with all my heart..... Who was my first guy to have sex with.... My first real boyfriend.... My first for a lot of tihngs and now that is all thrown down the shitter..... But whatever...... I will get over things sooner or later.....

Gotta go... talk to you all later..... Bye bye

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 08:59:27 GMT

I remember in High school..... Lesey and Tiffy had boyfriends and I wanted one so badly.... Now I feel like that once again.... I want adam to realize what he is about to lose if he is not going to try and get me back.... He does not realize how much pain I am going through.......But I feel like I am in high school once again... Lesey has her boyfriend and is happy.... Tiffy has her boyfriend and she is happy... And I am alone with No boyfriend and lonely and hurting.... LIke before..... I feel like I am the third wheel again.... I feel..... I dont know.... But its sad...... I was so happy with Adam.... I was floating on clouds.... Now Im not...... Im bitter and unhappy..... All I want is for Adam to come around so that we can be together and be happy like we were before.... When we started going out and for the couple of months we were happy and he didnt have to lie to me... But that is so far away.... Seems like it would take for ever for us to be where we were... But seems like we are going to have to go to the beginning of our relationship..... And start all over again.... I love Adam.. I love him with all I have..... My days are cold and rainy.... The day he comes back and we are us again... My days will be warm and sunny... And I will be bounching off the walls.............................................................